Do you connect before you correct?

When I first got into personal development, and really when I got into coaching, I spent hours reading about how the brain works and why we do the things we do. I’m endlessly fascinated by how we tick and function as humans.

I think there are two kinds of moms. The ones that read parenting books from the moment they become pregnant and sometimes even before that, and the ones that never touch a parenting book at all. I was the latter until my boyfriend, Larry said, “You read all these personal development books, why not read a parenting book?”

He asked me this question at a time when we were starting to have some discipline problems with my son, Zander. Looking back, Zander has always been a really amazing kid but every once in a while, he started testing boundaries or changed his behavior in some way that I didn’t know how to address.

So, I picked up a book called, No Drama Discipline by Dr. Dan Siegle because in my mind, we were having drama discipline, and this book forever changed my parenting. I loved this book for many reasons but the one tip I implemented immediately into my parenting was Connect before you Correct.

The way that I implemented this was whenever Zander came to me activated, high emotions about whatever the situation was, the first thing I was say was, “Do you want a hug?” Because 9 times out of 10 he would say yes, and then calmed down after the hug, I saw this as a huge win.  It also seemed to solve all of the problems that we were having at the time so I never looked into any other ways to connect before correcting.

Recently, someone asked me what are some other ways of connecting before you correct. No Drama Discipline may have offered some other suggestions on ways to connect before you correct but I don’t recall what they are. I had found the thing that worked for Zander, and I ran with it. So to answer the question, I went to google.

I found an article by Dr. Jane Nelsen called Connection Before Correction and she explains why it is so important. Children learn, grow, feel safe and thrive best when they are feeling connected. She writes, “Sometimes we have to stop dealing with the misbehavior and first heal the relationship.” You can read the full article here.

·       Spending special time with children creates a connection with them that truly bonds you together. We spend a lot of time with our kids but unless we are intentional about the time we spend with them, it’s probably not undistracted time. We are likely on our phone or some other form of electronic. Playing games together, talking, cooking, etc, all create a bond with out children that sets a groundwork for connection.

·       Listening, really listening and give your child your full attention helps them feel heard and important to you.

·       Validate your child’s feelings. It helps them feel understood and when we feel understood, we feel connected.

·       Share your feelings and thoughts when appropriate. Share real stories about when you went through a similar situation or felt a similar way helps them know they aren’t alone.

·       Focus on solutions with your child. Most of the time, your child has a behavior because they are seeking a solution, but they don’t know the appropriate way to get their needs met. It’s our job to help them get to the solution appropriately.

·       Ask questions. Mel Pierce, one of my podcast guests said, “Get curious, not furious.” (Season 4, Episode 8) It’s so easy to jump to anger when your child does something inappropriate. But when we ask questions about why they did something instead of getting mad at them, it helps you and them understand their behavior and more connection is created.

·       And of course, hugs.

Finding a good support system for things you’re struggling with is a critical part to your growth.  If you’re looking for a community of moms who are also looking to eliminate guilt from their lives and parent from a place of gratitude and love, join my Facebook group here. I am passionate about helping busy moms determined to enjoy every day, love on their kids more and feel freedom in their life. Don’t settle for the status quo; you deserve so much more.

Until next time,

Alysia
Mom Support Coach